You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
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Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
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I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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