I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
