my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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