I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
