I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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