mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
