im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
