This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
