the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
