i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
