What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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