at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
