I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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