3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
