Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
