My hand turned me down
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
