He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
