hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
