I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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