Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
