I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
