You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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