I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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