Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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