you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
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