May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
just tell him i said nine months
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
