I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
