I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
