I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Randomize
