Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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