Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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