oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
