Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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