And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
