He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
