i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
