I just threw up on my dentist
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Dicks are not precious.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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