glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
