Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
