I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
