Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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