He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
