ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Randomize
