I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
How external is "for external use only"?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
