Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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