I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
