I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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