Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
