If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I stole a fireplace last night.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
