You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
