we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
