I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
