i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Randomize
