You were right. It hurts to walk today.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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