so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
