And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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