So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
