he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
