that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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