I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
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I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
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We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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