I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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