Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
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