I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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