im six kinds of drunk right now
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
